eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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