she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
