How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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