If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
