how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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