i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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