I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
