so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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