Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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