dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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