put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
