areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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