the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
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That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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