I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
