I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
COCAINE IS GR8
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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