How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
