My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you didnt know i had herpes?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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