Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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