too bad you live with your parents still
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Success! We fucked roommates!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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