Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
