I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
