i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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