i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
