So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
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Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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