I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
