it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
