I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
