this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
