I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
