I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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