The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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