seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
