its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
only you would photoshop your dick
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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