Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
