I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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