a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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