how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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