My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
zippers are such a cool invention
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
