i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fuck appropriateness.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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