We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
