if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
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They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ate ashes out of my bong
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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