I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
