My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
