I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
40s are totally the cure
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
