8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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