The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My pussy is not your playground.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
