I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
