tonight lets celebrate not being married
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
