Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
