no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
