Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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