so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
