I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
