the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
