when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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