morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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