New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
