somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
