someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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