areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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